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Joke of the Day

"And the Lord said unto John ""Come forth and receive eternal life"" But John came fifth and won a toaster."

"Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck."

"Happy Let's-Pretend-This-Relationship-Is-Still-Working Day"

"If love didn't hurt, it wouldn't be called love...it would be called tacos."

"I was visiting NYC for the first time when a black guy walked up to me and asked if the Yankees won I said, ""yeah man, you're free!"""

"Boyfriend Joke To GF Today, I had to appear in court. My boyfriend gave me a chocolate to eat for comfort. The quote on the wrapper read ""Today, you are exactly where you should be."""

"What did the ISIS shepherd get arrested for? Trafficking sex workers."

"Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?"

"I was recently asked about my views on euthanasia. I said they all look the same to me."

"Today I thanked my toilet, because it puts up with my shit everyday."