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Joke of the Day

"LPT: If you're not planning to do anything the entire day, Masturbate. Then you won't want to walk or shower and you can waste your day as originally intended."

"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be silly. Feminists can't change anything!"

"It's so frustrating when your hitman doesn't answer the phone after you've made amends with someone"

"Just ate a bunch of vegetables instead of cheese. One of my children wasn't even observing me. This is the first sign of insanity, right?"

"I told my boss I couldn't come into work because my anal glaucoma was acting up. I just couldn't see my ass there."

"The first ten years of a girls life is spent playing with barbies. The next ten years is spent trying to look like one."

"""IT'S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!"" - Cats"

"What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium -old but good"

"A Tumblr user walks into a DIY store..... A Tumblr user walks into a DIY store and steals one item. He take a fence"

"Hey dude, can you make a pamphlet for me? For you bro? Sure."