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Joke of the Day

"I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he's kind of freaking me out guys."

"Last week I had to fire my lawn maintenance workers. They just weren't cutting it."

"[first date] Him: You're amazing! I'm having a great time! Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza."

"The fish's piano was making weird noises. Guess it was out of tuna."

"I just swept a girl off her feet. I'm quite an aggressive janitor."

"Today, a hobo called me a beautiful princess, but he pronounced it ""I KNOW YOU HAVE CHANGE, YOU STUPID CRACKER BITCH!""."

"My daughter asked if I am going to die someday... I said ""Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."""

"The Flash series must be really good... ...too bad everything happens too fast."

"My friend who drowned just had his funeral the other day... We put a lifejacket on his coffin. It's what he would have wanted..."

"A midget once smoked a lot of weed... He got medium."