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Joke of the Day

"I tried to be a tap dancer but I kept falling in the sink! (thank you, british uncle ken for that dry humor)"

"How are your step mother and a 17 in the card game 21 similar? You know you can't but you really want to hit it."

"One hard thing to explain to people under 20 is how legitimately exciting it used to be when someone would wheel in an overhead projector."

"It's better to have business with a drunk professional than a sober idiot."

"[turns to buddy just before bar fight] ""I'll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja"""

"I was so angry when I found my wife's profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn't ""fun to be around."""

"I told my doctor I was addicted to Twitter He said ""I don't follow you"""

"What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator"

"Spell Xenophobia H-A-N-S-O-N"

"I can't stand Italians and their slanty eyes... ...no, wait, *italics*."