35701

Joke of the Day

"Was in the hot tub a full 3 minutes before I noticed the floating chipmunk so probably don't ask me questions about a crime scene"

"I went to a girl and was like ""I'd like to take my rocket to Uranus"" She detached the final stage"

"Either a lying war criminal endorsed by the KKK or a Neo Nazi reality TV star are going to be President of America. It's not funny. But it is a fucking joke. America, sort your shit out."

"I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don't call it Liam then what is even the point of you"

"Accidentally burned a calorie. Have to replace it now."

"I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely... ...if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone."

"Friday always feels like Wile E. Coyote running off the cliff and Monday is when he looks down."

"I went to see my drug dealer last week, he had some cheap trainers for sale. They were nice so I thought I'd get myself a pair. I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping for days!!"

"Pirate Nuts Pirate walks into a bar. Bartender says ""You know you got a steering wheel stickinn out of your pants?"" ""Aye! It's drivin me nutts."""

"I have an EpiPen I don't need it but I always keep it for sentimental value. A friend of mines gave it to me as he was dying, I don't know why but it seemed very important to him I had it."