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Joke of the Day

"Was in the hot tub a full 3 minutes before I noticed the floating chipmunk so probably don't ask me questions about a crime scene"

"I want transition lenses that turn black whenever someone starts talking to me."

"I'm finally part of the cool crowd! *waddles off with colony of penguins*"

"Your mom is so fat Even Jesus couldn't lift her spirits up."

"if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats"

"I would imagine there really isn't any market for sea shells down by the sea shore considering the abundance of free sea shells."

"I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money."

"My friend doesn't like being called Squidward. He told me, ""But I hate SpongeBob..."" I said, ""That's the spirit!"""

"Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags? Me: Kidding? At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me."

"I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice."