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Joke of the Day

"Eating spicy food is like... Having your whole body sit down for a game of poker. Your stomach always wins while your sinuses and intestines get cleaned out."

"What's the difference between a pizza and a baby? I don't fuck my pizza before I toss it in the oven for dinner."

"'sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.' what, am i supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?"

"Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn't socially acceptable for some reason."

"I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better."

"M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS? H: FFS, use your inside voice M: *whispers* did you remember condoms? H: can this wait til after mass?"

"Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?"

"Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere"

"What do you call it when a Catholic remodels his kitchen? A counter reformation."

"People say I'm quite contrarian. But I disagree."