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Joke of the Day

"Wife: Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite! Me: Haha funny. [under the mattress] Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*"

"What is green and smells like pork? Kermit the Frog's finger."

"There was a monster who ate properties... He ate a lot."

"Kids are back to school & all I do is worry about their guinea pig. Is she lonely? Bored? Silly? I should probably hold her. I need a life."

"Are you a carpenter? Because your fabricating stories!"

"Your momma's so fat....she tried to upload a selfie to the Internet and got an error ""Not Enough Storage Space"""

"What is the difference between a garbanzo beans and a chickpea? I would never let a garbanzo bean in my mouth."

"I got in trouble for calling the rape hotline... Apparently it's only for ""victims""."

"A group of people walk into a bar... An Irishman, a rabbi, a Japanese man, a blind man and a boat captain walk into a bar. The bartender asks ""is this some kind of a joke?"""

"My aquarium is missing quite a few parts #nofilter"