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Joke of the Day

"People keep saying drugs are dangerous, I abused lots of drugs and I'm fine. It's only the people watching me through power sockets that are annoying."

"People come up to me all the time in the street and they say to me, they say, ""Joe, what's the difference between Hag Shavuot and Hag Ha-Katzir?"" And I say to them, I say, ""Oh, about fifty bucks."""

"ME: I can't come in to work. My grandma died BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year ME: yeah she's a cat"

"Why did the melon plan a big elaborate wedding? Because he cantaloupe."

"CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas- *scuffle noises* ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?"

"Did you hear about the kidnapping in Dallas? They woke him up."

"How many republicans does it take so screw in a light bulb? None, Obama's already screwed it for you. (Thanks, Obama)"

"A customer walks in to a chemist's. ""I would like some deodorant please"" The chemist replies ""Ball, or aerosol?"""

"Nuns really stick to the rules. They have quite the habit."

"So this one time I offered some shrimp to this Jewish friend of mine... Me: This shrimp is great. Wanna try some? Friend: Sorry, I'm Jewish. Me: No, it's free! *from a comic by Cyanide and Happiness*"