35113

Joke of the Day

"I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car."

"Why can't Ross & Phoebe ever drown? Because David Schwimmer and Lisa Kudrow."

"I don't know where I stand on abortion. I like killing babies, but I don't like giving women a choice."

"Vagina jokes are not funny Period."

"ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day FRIEND: don't you mean good old days? ME: no, I just had the one"

"Why do the Irish wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away."

"What drink did the vampire order at the bar? A blood-light"

"I consider myself a practical gentleman. That's why I masturbate in the shower. The cleanup is a breeze. The only trouble is keeping my laptop dry. That's why I bring the umbrella."

"I judge Usain Bolt based on his race All of his races, actually."

"One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas... How he got into my pajamas, I don't know. - Groucho Marx"