34966

Joke of the Day

"Wife: Could you be dehydrated? Me: Of course not. W: How much water have you had? Me: Two coffees & a bourbon. W: Wow. Me: Told you."

"The Story of the Old, Empty Barn There was nothing in it."

"Dear NFL: Super Bowl. I'll just let them process this a little bit. They should do something by the time I'm up tomorrow."

"""haha this costume party is great"" ""sir PLEASE get off the table"" ""cool librarian costume"" *sprays silly string* ""hey dude nice police costu"

"My son, 5, scared of the thunder. I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all. Think that helped."

"I don't use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me."

"""Knowledge is a weapon"" said Terry Goodkind which is why the cops can shoot you for holding a book"

"What's black and white and red all over? A bioracial double homocide."

"[demetri martin] A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everybody knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. ""Go left."" -""Dude those are trees."" ""trust me."""

"""BALL SO HARD MUTHAF--KAS WANNA FINE ME."" ""Grandma, just pay the parking ticket..."""