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Joke of the Day

"Safe words are for quitters."

"Using a pencil to vote in the 2015 General Election... As safe an option as letting Jimmy Saville volunteer in a Kids Hospital."

"I've been dating a homeless girl So I've been dating this homeless girl. Things are getting pretty serious. She asked me to move out with her."

"Who is Cauli? And why the fuck didn't anyone tell him that he was planting vegetables and not flowers."

"Don't ever leave a bag of mini Heath bars at your desk to prove you can't be tempted.... Because Satan's game is strong"

"I'm a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off."

"HIM: Hi, I'm Bill. ME: Hi, I'm...oh shit this is embarrassing. I'm not really good with names."

"Why did God give women yeast infections? So they would have to know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt too."

"Why do college frat boys drink before bathing? Buds before suds, bro."

"Detective: Where were you on the night- Me: Twitter Detective: Between the hour- Me: Twitter Detective: I wasn't fini- Me: Twitter"