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Joke of the Day

"Wow, what a day. I volunteered at a soup kitchen, caught up on my scrapbookin', went 2 baby shower, ran 9 miles, then told lies on twitter."

"Q: How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A: A buck an ear."

"If you're clever, what do you call a german waffle house? Luftwaffle!"

"Two seats open. One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in. The other by a wall outlet. She'll find love in another man."

"My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account."

"Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with 5 guys? She came home with a big, red snapper."

"Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere."

"The wife said she's leaving me because she's sick of doing absolutely EVERYTHING for me. If you're wondering why she's typed everything' in capitals,it's to emphasize the point."

"When I'm at a business dinner I pretend like I'm choking so I can chug my wine."

"If you have any snacks left when the movie starts you're a wizard & need to be killed."