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Joke of the Day

"Phill: *gets stung by a stingray Me: *pees on his wound Phill: That only works on jellyfish stings Me: Oh shit, I thought you were dead!"

"I was going to drive to the shop to pick up some guacamole... ....but I don't avocado."

"I would rather have Bill Cosby as President than Donald Trump.. because if America is gonna get fucked for 4 years I wanna be asleep when it happens."

"You know, gas prices really aren't that bad when you consider that you're essentially buying dinosaurs in liquid form."

"BLACK AND BROWN Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman pinscher."

"I don't get why everyone talks so fast in old movies. What was the hurry? There was nothing to do back then."

"[leaving 5 minute voicemail] ...and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*"

"According to scientists drinking one can of four loko is like drinking 4 beers, 2 red bulls, a small taco, a ghost and a park bench."

"Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise? The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!"

"How can you make a soup rich? Add 14 carrots (carats) to it."