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Joke of the Day

"Jesus said to Peter, ""Come forth and I will give you eternal glory."" Peter came fifth and won a toaster."

"They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum"

"An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I'm hoping he meant while she was alive."

"Jared from subway You know, if Jared from Subway goes to prison, he is still going to have an unlimited amount of foot longs."

"If a tree falls in the forest... ...and Linkin Park was playing a concert adjacent to that tree, in the end, does it even matter?"

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."

"What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? one can wash their crack and re-sell it!"

"You've got 99 problems huh? Boo-Hoo. I have a mortgage and a shitty job. Now go fuck Beyonce in a $300,000 car."

"Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, ""Do you all want a beer?"" The first logician says, ""I don't know."" The second logician says, ""I don't know."" The third logician says, ""Yes."""

"If I were British these tweets would be worth 1.61 times as much."