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Joke of the Day

"I'll have a club sandwich on rye. Hold the mayo. Cuddle the mustard. Whisper soft words of confidence to the lettuce. Make love to the onion"

"After watching today's Apple event, I can confirm the new iPhone will not be a failure. In fact, it'll be a huge 6S."

"Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved."

"What has everyone been doing at Apple since the problems with the iPhone 6 started? Looking for Jobs."

"Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet."

"What's that, turkey? GOBBLE GOBBLE Timmy fell in a well? GOBBLE GOBBLE [breaks turkey's neck] no time for your riddles, in the oven you go"

"99 Homes was originally a movie about Mexican gangsters"

"Be original. Don't just walk up to a girl in a bar. Pay bouncers to clear a path & cartwheel up to her. If rejected casually cartwheel away."

"How do you blindfold an Asian woman? Put a windshield in front of her."

"There are three kinds of people in the world... ...Those who can count, and those who can't."