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Joke of the Day

"I'd make a political joke... But it's too soon, the DNC tried to force one on all of us and we saw how that went."

"Didn't think these orthopedic shoes would work, but I stand corrected."

"[at a child's birthday party] Lady: which one's yours? Me: uhh, that one L: that's my daughter M: *grabs the cake and runs*"

"You can never trust someone from Chernobyl. Most of them are two-faced."

"Time travel I was gonna do a joke about time travel... but no one liked it."

"my husband...just pointed out d new strands of hair growing under my chin..... someones not getn laid tonight."

"What did the fish say when he ran into a cement wall? Dam!"

"Who wants to hear an awesome knock knock joke? Okay, you start."

"January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, Cucumber..."

"[interview] ""Describe yourself in three words."" Me: responds poorly to authority"