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Joke of the Day

"You text him, he doesn't text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted."

"Beer commercials really overestimate how many attractive people live in my apartment building."

"What's the difference between a dwarf and an STD? Ones a cunning runt the other is a running cunt."

"What's the difference between a goat and a kid? My neighbour isn't unknowingly raising my goats."

"trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song"

"I have a split personality No he doesn't"

"I dropped my phone in the toilet It's ringing wet!"

"What do you get when you combine a goat egg and a goat sperm? A Zy-Goat I'll escort myself out."

"What has two feet, two hands, two eyes, and two noses? Two pirates."

"SON: How are monster trucks made? ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth- GF: [glares] ME: He's old enough for the facts, Jane"