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Joke of the Day

"What did the cow say about the beef industry? I've got some steak in it."

"My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I ""ruined"" her birthday... ..I'm not sure how that's possible, I didn't even know it was her fucking birthday."

"Why did the hippie drown in the ocean? He was too far out."

"Say what you want about the Make-a-Wish foundation At least they can work to a deadline"

"I'm at my most nurturing when I'm plotting a way to drop my 12 yr old at school 3 days early."

"Cop: Sir, have you been drinking? Driver: Go, Pikachu! Thunderbolt! Cop: Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"

"Two flies are on a wall... One looks at the other one and says, ""Hey, your human is open""."

"If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I'd still stay with them."

"Me: ..and a small sprite. McDonald's Girl: Want a large? All sizes are only $.99 Me: I ASKED FOR SMALL YOU DIABETES PEDDLER ok gimme a large"

"People admit to shopping for their girlfriends/wives all the time... but when I do it I get busted for ~~prostitution~~ human trafficking."