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Joke of the Day

"Coworker: These heels are killing my feet but they're so cute. Me: These ugly Sketchers I'm wearing have insides made out of memory foam."

"Why do Leprechauns always laugh as they run across a field? The grass tickles their balls"

"[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents] ME: this zoo is terrible"

"What does a South American say after someone sneezes? Belize you."

"When is the closest Leo will get to an Oscar? When he takes out the trash"

"[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It's okay, just go on without me"

"I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband."

"They say Napoleon got the shakes whenever he put on his uniform... Modern scholars believe he may have had epaulettesy."

"Gay Dinosaur What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass"

"Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency? Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED! 911: Have u tried looking in her house? Turtle: oops never mind."