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Joke of the Day

"My brother's now ok with me calling him retarded. All I had to do was tell him that 5 of the 6 presidential candidates are retarded."

"I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock."

"Q: What connects the computers in Sauron's office? A: A Tolkien Ring network."

"How does constipation work? I don't give a shit."

"Guarantees in life: 1) death 2) taxes 3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it"

"Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose."

"Why is the government encouraging more American made vibrators? They want to increase their gross domestic products."

"instead of a fancy wedding cake how about get a cool expert karate guy to roundhouse kick cupcakes into everyone's mouths"

"My dog keeps whimpering at her empty food bowl. So I put her in another room. I'm not sure what that bowl did to her, but it's obvious it upset her."

"The problem with other people's money. The problem with other people's money is that it's tainted. 'tain't yours and 'tain't mine."