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Joke of the Day

"What's the worst thing you can do when posting a joke? Accidentally hit submit before you"

"Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you've done for other people?"

"I went to Applebee's for dinner last night Our food was so good that I asked the waitress to bring out the chef, so they brought out the microwave."

"My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, ""I don't want Santa to see me when I poo."""

"I tried to use my Dictaphone today. But I ended up just using my finger like everyone else."

"What do David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher chocolates have in common? They both come in a posh box"

"Me: Why don't I have a boyfriend? God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak. Me: Ah. That's right. Gross."

"Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?! 7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor."

"New Reality Show: America's Next Top Proctologist. You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up."

"When I got my first pube, I left it under my pillow and waited for the pube fairy. And he came. All over my pillow."