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Joke of the Day

"Me: Feel free to name your next kid after me. Coworker: Why would I name my kid ""Giant Douchebag?"""

"Whenever I see a sign saying Fine Jewelry I think to myself, it's probably had enough warnings, why not just arrest it."

"[turns up radio in the car] Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here"

"There's no recipe in this world that raisins can't ruin."

"What do you call a space alien in a hoodie? Treyvon Martian"

"Something people in Walmart have? Colds. Something people in Walmart are missing? Ankles."

"Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them."

"I have sychic powers. For example, right now you're thinking, ""it's psychic."""

"How does a mathematician get to work? He derives!"

"ladies call me a keyboard cus i'm always in front of the computer and i've got crumbs in all my crevices"