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Joke of the Day

"I've decided I'm not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry."

"What's the difference between O and Q? One had to P."

"I set up a life size mousetrap in my front yard, but instead of cheese as bait, I used a fedora. Death toll: 17 hipsters and a curious cat."

"I was going to make a sheep joke But it just came out baaaaaaaad"

"I was walking through Home Depot yesterday when I tripped and knocked an industrial vacuum cleaner onto a bunch of carpentry tools. It sucked on so many levels..."

"I tried to use my Dictaphone today. But I ended up just using my finger like everyone else."

"Boolean Algebra You either know it or you don't."

"I used to think I was homophobic. It turns out that I was just afraid of monsters in the closet."

"[1st date] ""I'm really into roll playing,"" I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss."

"*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire* calm down brent just call a tow tru*I'm already shooting flare gun*"