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Joke of the Day

"A nurse takes a rectal thermometer out of her pocket... She sees it and says, ""Oh dammit, some asshole took my pen."""

"What you hope someone might say about you when they approach your casket? Hey, I think he moved."

"How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat? She can wear your wife's clothes."

"What's a Muslims favourite animal? Its Lamb"

"I lost 50 pounds in two days Im never playing poker again"

"My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things."

"In a cave, I found pictures of women's breasts, but when I touched them, a giant net fell on me. Damn booby trap."

"I named my penis Kobe. I drink lots of beer and massage it."

"""We just want to find someone who will-"" *sly grin* -Finish our sentences? ""Exactly."" -death row inmates"

"I once knew two ranchers named Jim.... They had a thousand cattle between them. One night while unwaken. Their cattle were taken. My Jimmy's were rustled, shagrin."