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Joke of the Day

"[Thanksgiving dinner] WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp ME: Those are for tomorrow WIFE: Because...tomorrow is Bla- ME: Black Fry Day"

"If I were really famous, I wouldn't even need body guards. These maxi pads promise me 10 hours of protection, each."

"Had a near death experience last night A cop pulled me over."

"I'm glad the Chicago Cubs finally won the World Series. 108 years of hibernation just doesn't seem healthy."

"I got fired from the sewage plant And after all the shit I went through"

"Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds. Then felt glad that I don't have to water them anymore. Suburban life is a roller coaster."

"What do you call a Mexican Midget? A paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay."

"Going to sleep: It's so cold in here, I'm totally wearing these socks to bed Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME"

"TIL Humans eat more krill than whales. I can't remember the last time I've eaten a whale."

"Can you get a tattoo on your penis? Yea, but it would be hard."