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Joke of the Day

"[picks up date] *slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*"

"I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!"

"""Ok Noah, that's 2 of everything! Did I see a 3rd sheep in your office tho?"" Nope ""Yea I did, it had lipstick on?"" Nope, raise the anchor"

"I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat! -Don't you mean pig? No. He tried to eat my couch!"

"""Why does stuff like this always happen to me?"" - gay passenger on Titanic"

"Sleep It's better than the rest"

"What did we call IT before computers ? The Mail Room"

"What did Nicolas Cage say when his daughters grades came through? Oh God, not the B's!"

"So weird that before we invented cars, if you hated someone you keyed their horse."

"How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up."