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Joke of the Day

"Saying Romney would handle the economy better is like saying ... ... one of your friends is ""good with women"" because he's a convicted rapist."

"People are making end of the world jokes. Like there is no tomorrow."

"[getting fired from NASA] Is it because I kept saying ""Technically we're already in space?"""

"Skrillex sounds like that time I threw a bag of beer bottles into an empty dumpster & a homeless dude yelled jibberish at me for waking him."

"I don't know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn't even try to get out."

"The definition of Halloween: Halloween: the holiday when children vandalize your yard with toilet paper, then are rewarded with candy the next day."

"I rode the bus today..... and saw a girl on the bus wearing a Kappa Alpha Gamma sorority shirt. I went up to her and asked ""Why are you on this bus? Aren't you supposed to be driving around in a car?"""

"A guy calls 911 ""Send an ambulance! My wife's having a baby!"" ""Just calm down down"", says the operator, ""Is this her first baby?"" ""No it's her husband you idiot!"""

"I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world."

"What do you call the angel in charge of hydroelectrics? A God dam engineer."