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Joke of the Day

"Husband: are you cooking something? Me: of course not Husband: the oven timer just went off Me: oh yeah, take the wine out of the freezer"

"I used to hate Vegemite, but I read that you only need to put a thin spread to enjoy it It's been much better. The cat is eating the whole thing now."

"Oh Jesus another fuckin day, they just keep comin."

"Best actor of all time in human history. Also Starring"

"Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy's name attached? Why aren't plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?"

"There are two kinds of people in the world... Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data."

"What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies? ya'll watch this!"

"if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? ""lol im OWNING all these bees"" i say as i put my face in the beehive"

"How do you climb a triangle? By scalene it"

"Strip clubs should make the strippers wear garlic scented perfumes so when I come home I can tell my gf I was at an Italian restaurant."