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Joke of the Day

"[pharmacy] ""Can I help you?"" Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this? *lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*"

"How do you say 'Toilet' in Japanese? Dump-ring."

"Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from a egg plant. Im going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from."

"A slightly drunk woman is watching tv... She yells, ""Don't go there! Don't go up the stairs! Don't go into the church you dumb bitch!"" Her husband asks, ""What are you watching?"" ""Our wedding video."""

"I saw an American Bridge player crying last night She said she bid 4 No Trump"

"[at a funeral home] ME: One death please"

"I never proof read anything myself Instead, I just sandwich my writings with hateful opinions, post them to Reddit, and read the replies. People seem more than eager to point out my mistakes."

"I finally figured out Donald Trump You have to ruin America first if you want to make it great AGAIN."

"There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin."

"Men are the best cooks... One sausage, two eggs, bit of milk and they can fill a woman's stomach for 9 months"