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Joke of the Day

"TIL the excuse the US Marine used in May 1943 after accidentally friendly fire'ing a British U-boat. Woops, wrong sub."

"Dog Walking Business Idea: 1. Train every dog to walk another dog. 2. Put the dogs in a dog walking circle. 3. GO TO A MOVIE!"

"[about to message girl he likes] Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid. Brain: OR"

"You can tell all you need to know about a person by whether they bring the banana to their mouth or mouth to the banana."

"Lazy is a strong word. I prefer to say that the stars are reaching for me"

"The wife said she's leaving me because she's sick of doing absolutely EVERYTHING for me. If you're wondering why she's typed everything' in capitals,it's to emphasize the point."

"I'm surprised Microsoft didn't resurrect Bing Crosby to counter Google's ad."

"I can't stop watching the Hunger Games movies... ...I have a heroine addiction."

"If you don't feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend... you're not doing it right"

"Romans were rich, Romans had feasts! But for the love of god stay away from their priests!"