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Joke of the Day

"Excited for the return of Game of Thrones. Not excited for the return of the phrase, ""If you'd read the books, you'd know that..."""

"Being a grown up is throwing something at the trash can, missing, then actually going over and picking it back up."

"My girlfriend doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. That's all I'm spending on her for Christmas. So far she's getting a McChicken."

"Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense."

"Son:Mom! What's a GF? Mom:if you are a good boy,you will get one when you're older. Son:What if i'm not a good boy? Mom:You'll get many."

"What's the difference between me and a calendar? You can't fuck the shit out of a calendar"

"President Obama states he stands with Hillary. ""So do I."" Bill states sadly under his breath."

"I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face."

"Why did my girlfriend go on birth control? Because I wanted her to be a twinkie and not a toaster strudel."

"I swear to god if I ever see a car exploding I'm going to walk away from it in slow-mo and hope that somebody is filming it on their iPhone."