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Joke of the Day

"Did ya' hear about the bear that tried to fly from British Columbia to New York? They wouldn't let him bring his carrion. Sorry."

"April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are."

"Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I'm pretending it's the sound of his body bag."

"Way to greet me with a headache, Friday. Who died and made you an asshole? You think you're Monday or something?"

"How do you torture Hellen Keller? Give her a basketball and tell her to read it."

"Why is Hillary better than a prostitute? Hillary will be whatever you want her to be for a whole campaign, a prostitute only lasts 30 minutes."

"Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful provided you get between the right man and the right woman."

"Marriage is like Comcast. Frustrating as hell and once a month you get screwed."

"What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.."

"If you blow out the kid's Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them."