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Joke of the Day

"He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He's a serial killer named Terrence Fishman & he plans to kill you Monday"

"The flight attendant keeps saying ""Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don't have flight attendants."""

"Interviewer: You're hired.. Me: Thank you so much! You won't live to regret this.. Interviewer: What? Me: huh?"

"If the Pilgrims were alive today what would they be famous for? Their age!"

"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you."

"Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto's Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go."

"Be careful when you follow the Masses. Sometimes the M' is silent."

"Why does Floyd Mayweather have ""TGIF"" written on his boxing shoes? To remind him that ""Toes Go in First."""

"Someone with a girl friend should write this in their Valentines Day card I was going to buy you a car, but I knew you'd be disappointed if I didn't give you the D."

"If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to."