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Joke of the Day

"Of course I like you, which is why I have to act like I don't like you so you'll know how much I like you."

"If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!"

"APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that- {trapdoor} NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it's perfect."

"I couldn't get an erection while having sex with my wife... So I took her to a nice dinner. There was no hard-feelings."

"The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute."

"Why did the excluded tree grow? To be long."

"I've never seen a dead body but I did once watch a girl get proposed to in an Applebee's"

"You guys know that dude Jesus? Yeah, I heard he was a real thorn in the Romans' side"

"Reddit is like a friend that you think is really funny at first until you realize that they just repeat the same jokes over and over again."

"What's the worst part of an NFL wedding? Getting hit by Rice"