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Joke of the Day

"""Hey, Cyclops."" ""Hey, Cyclops, are you still dating Jean?"" ""No, Storm, we broke up. You could say she's my..."" *lowers sunglasses* *eye beams obliterate Storm*"

"I don't play golf because any game that includes strokes and handicaps just doesn't sound like my kind of fun."

"""The Force Awakens"" had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards. How is that even science fiction? They might as well rename it ""Downton Abbey."""

"Why didn't we learn about essential oils in school? I mean, that shit is ESSENTIAL. Should've been the first lesson!"

"According to the bible, women's first mistake was listening to the devil. Man's first mistake was listening to the woman."

"Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to bangkok"

"""You hang UP."" ""No, YOU hang UP."" - Movie theater workers arguing about hanging movie poster for Up."

"Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful. Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her."

"Obese People: When your skeleton can't support your mass enough to walk? That's Darwinism's attempt to prevent further hunting & gathering."

"Who decided ""have a happy period"" was an okay thing to put on a tampon box? ""Manslaughter is illegal"" would've been more relevant."