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Joke of the Day

"He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could ""relax"" so now I'm sitting here suspicious that he's done something to piss me off."

"SCIENCE!!! Hey reddit, are you a 10 on the pH scale? Because you're pretty basic. ^^^^^jk ^^^^^dont ^^^^^kill ^^^^^me"

"Why did the monster dye her hair yellow? To see if blondes have more fun."

"My lighter has two settings: 1: Spark, spark, spark 2: No left eyebrow"

"A skeleton walks into a bar.. Something something beer and mop.."

"Say friends, why is it tough to play poker with cattle farmers? They're always raising the steaks!"

"""Please. Make yourself at home."" *Brings cat and litter box inside* *Spreads cat poop on ground next to litter box*"

"MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have? ME (through tears): A...a friend"

"Maybe, ""only if you're taking me to dinner"" wasn't the best response to, ""is this going down?"" to the guy on the elevator. Flirting is hard"

"Can I get an amen? AMEN! Can I get a b-men? BMEN! Can I get a c-men? CME--*the whole church laughs*"