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Joke of the Day

"Maybe, ""only if you're taking me to dinner"" wasn't the best response to, ""is this going down?"" to the guy on the elevator. Flirting is hard"

"What do you call a snobby felon falling down the stairs? A condescending condescending!"

"What does a five year old and a penis have in common? If it doesn't come when you tell it to, then just beat it harder. (I am so sorry)"

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? An obscure number you've probably never heard of......"

"I'm worried about my girlfriend recently... I'm always worried if shes eating well, sleeping well, or if she exists at all."

"Why didn't Donald Trump want to play Marco Polo? He was at Rubio's house and was worried he'd get Cruzed."

"Why did the siamese twins moved to England? So the other one would also drive"

"Humans should be eternally grateful it wasn't me who was in Newton's place. If the apple hit me I'd be like ""Nice!"" & eat it. End of story."

"Why is six afraid of seven? seven eight nine. (seven ate nine)"

"My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again."