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Joke of the Day
"Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, ""Are you taking a video?"""
Next Joke
"""Excuse me, but the sign says 'No shirt, no shoes, no service.' It doesn't say a goddamn thing about no pants."" - Me, drunk at Target"
"Arguing with women is like getting arrested, anything you say can and will be used against you."
"Book nerds all be like.. 420 blaze it? More like, 451 BLAZE IT! .... On second thoughts, this is probably why I have no friends"
"Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good. Me: Thanks, you look good too."
"Three Chickens Three chickens on a cliff, the first falls, the second was attached to the first, The therd, well. He died of peer presure."
"Ladies call me the mitochondria because they kinda remember me from high school and i'm in a cell"
"What do you call a prostitue from Maui? ""Hana Ho"""
"What do you call a midget in a hospital waiting room constantly complaining about how long he's been waiting? Imp-Patient!"
"The definition of a fart...as told by a 60 year old woman I work with. A turd honking for its right of way!"