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Joke of the Day

"I proposed to my Mexican girlfriend but she said... I wasn't the Juan."

"[commercial for soup] Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it? NARRATOR: SOUP"

"Mumford & Sons! It's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you're looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*"

"Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body."

"Your mom.. has one arm, one leg, one titty, one eye, and one finger. They call her ""Uno"". Ironically enough, she also works at Ihop..."

"my 2 yr old today: Mom how'd you get past the cognitivie dissonance of having me even tho climate change will render the world uninhabitable"

"I met a girl in the pub last night and we ended up back at my place. I didn't have a f*cking clue what I was getting myself into. So I politely asked her to shave it."

"Apparently it's okay for the office to have ""casual Friday's,"" but ""nudist Tuesday's"" are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me."

"What did Ron Burgandy say when he dropped his waffle on the beach? Go fuck yourself sandy Eggo"

"A Amish scientist..."