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Joke of the Day

"Mondays are made for booze & antidepressants...ah hell, I'll just skip to the booze."

"THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he speaks in typos ME: EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA! THERAPIST: ok maybe we should take 5 ME: food idea"

"I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!"

"Teen: Your outfit is on fleek! Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek. Teen: (smiles) Thank you! Me: God damn it."

"How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, but I dunno how they got in there."

"I know why all those Galaxy Note Sevens keep catching fire! My mix tape comes pre-installed on them."

"I took the shell off of my racing snail.... I thought it would make him go faster, but if anything it made him more sluggish."

"Show him you care by leaving the message ""I see you"" on his bathroom mirror."

"Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse."

"My friends think I have a black sense of humour I don't know what they're talking about... In my view it's golden."