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Joke of the Day

"[1st day as police officer] PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET'S ROLL! ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone."

"CNN has just reported that Monika Lewinski will be helping with the Donald Trump for president campaign. Apparently, the last time she endorsed a Clinton, it left a bad taste in her mouth."

"What's the difference between the Rockettes and a troop of acrobats? One is a cunning array of stunts."

"Knock knock. Who's there? It's Amy. Amy who? It's amy, MARIO!"

"Buying little gold star stickers so when people I'm speaking with say things I like I'll stick one on their forehead."

"To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver's license."

"Lost my watch at a party once Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch"

"What do you call a pessimistic Mexican? A Mexican't"

"My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I'm the town doctor."

"Alfred Nobel is considered the inventor of dynamite ...because all the others could not be positively identified."