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Joke of the Day

"Which stretches further, skin or rubber? Skin. It says in the bible, Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked 10 miles."

"I changed my name in my daughters phone to God.... I texted her and said ""I saw that"" You should of seen her face Priceless"

"My daughter asked me what it was like when I was a kid, so I took away all her electronics and made her play with a Rubik's cube."

"The real reason humans have two hands? Two boobs."

"When I go to the bar I get a Lindsey Lohan. It's a Shirley Temple with a lot of coke"

"What's the difference between a girl's track team and a village of pygmies? One's a bunch of cunning runts....."

"What do you call tree sap that won't stop running? Forest gunk."

"At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds.... ...Only 15 pounds to go."

"Cop: FREEZE, DON'T MOVE!!! Me: *stops moving* Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND Me:... Cop: NOW! Me:... Me:... Cop: for the love of god...unfreeze"

"Crimea River Crimea river - Putin"