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Joke of the Day

"You're the jelly to my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi, and the ketchup to my icecream. My point is, you're worthless."

"If Chef Boyardee was a dictator what would he name his secret police? Gazpacho"

"I chose not to act when a bunch of pinnipeds gatecrashed my outdoor party. I sealed my own fete."

"*Police bust through door* -QUICK FLUSH ALL THE SUGAR -WAIT, WHY!? -I DON'T KNOW, THEY DO IT IN THE MOVIES!"

"What do you call a nun in a wheelchair ? Virgin Mobile"

"Why did Mrs. Quartz divorce Mr. Quartz? He took her for granite."

"I don't think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, ""Where are your pants?"""

"Your swag is gonna look amazing on that Burger King application."

"5 jokes at once. Q: how to tell 5 jokes at once? A: One direction"

"""You won't like me when I'm angry. Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources."" The Credible Hulk."