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Joke of the Day

"You're the jelly to my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi, and the ketchup to my icecream. My point is, you're worthless."

"Why did I divide sin by tan? just cos."

"Why did Minnie Mouse break-up with Mickey Mouse? Because he was fuckin' Goofy."

"I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they're 21."

"[interrogation] ""Where were u on the nite of the 5th?"" Stabbing a guy. ""Louder for the tape."" [leans in] Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie."

"Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said ""file this under sad."" WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING"

"What do you call a manager that hasn't grown up yet? A kidager"

"I got a tattoo on my penis that says ""TINY"" when I'm flaccid. When I'm erect, it says ""TICONDEROGA NY"""

"How do you know if someone is a vegan? Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"Did you hear about the latest thing affected by recession? My hairline!"