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Joke of the Day

"[interrogation] ""Where were u on the nite of the 5th?"" Stabbing a guy. ""Louder for the tape."" [leans in] Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie."

"I keep having flashbacks to my emo phase. I think I might have PTXD."

"You Shook Me All Night Long is a great song that also describes what I do to my husband when he's snoring."

"Guy walks into his house with a duck under his arm. His wife's standing there. He says ""This is the pig I've been fucking""."

"Twinkle twinkle line of coke, you're the reason why I'm broke. :("

"People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS"

"How does a feminist screw in a light bulb? She holds the bulb up to the socket and then expects the world to revolve around her."

"If I bought a balloon for $0.99 ... How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?"

"Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent!"

"Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast? Because one egg is un oeuf."