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Joke of the Day

"I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they're 21."

"In America child protection saves your kids from your beating In Soviet Russia child protection beats your kids"

"How do you get two whales in a Mini Cooper? Take the M4, across the Severn Bridge."

"The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial."

"An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn't this a thing yet."

"Why are gay prostitutes so expensive in China? Because there aren't any free erections."

"Lawyer: As My Lord knows,... Judge: Don't presume I know it, counsel. Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know..."

"A mosquito landed on my wife's face... Easiest decision of my life."

"How can you tell which lesbian in the relationship does the cooking? Neither, they both eat out."

"Wife: Are you drunk? Me: I know this is a trick question so I'm going with no. Why? W: Because you're naked on the neighbors porch. M:..."