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Joke of the Day

"I don't regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren't on those bridges when I burned them."

"How long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave? I don't know, I was too busy masturbating."

"What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? Sometimes a canoe tips!"

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies."

"What's wet and wiggly and says how do you do sixteen times? Two octopuses shaking hands."

"A little girl was next in line. 'My name's Curtain' she said. 'I hope your first name is not Agnate ?' 'No it's velvet !'"

"It must be difficult to post inspirational Tweets when your blood type is B Negative."

"Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog"

"My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it'd take 2 days to come up with the money."

"Last night was the third time a girl walked out midway a date. Something's still wrong in my PowerPoint presentation."