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Joke of the Day

"Why did the grocery delivery guy get fired? He drove people bananas!"

"I don't see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?"

"[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I'M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go"

"After a night of heavy drinking' there's one thing I can't stand... and that's up."

"Why would a dead girl lie? Because she can't stand up."

"My brother's now ok with me calling him retarded. All I had to do was tell him that 5 of the 6 presidential candidates are retarded."

"I've mathematically figured out how many upvotes it takes to get to the front page. Answer inside. [score hidden]"

"My parenting book would be just a series of ""Shhh"" with different lengths and punctuation for various occasions."

"Paraplegic people go to hell ... Paraplegic people go to hell because there's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp."

"The nicotine patch is great. I get my addiction out of the hands of the evil tobacco industry and into the loving arms of big pharma."