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Joke of the Day

"I used to work at a muffler shop... That shit was exhausting. Then I got a job a vacuum store, but it sucked even more."

"How does Santa Claus remember which chimneys he's been down? He keeps a log"

"Texan: So where you from? Harvard graduate: The kind of place where we don't end our sentences with prepositions. Texan: Where you from jackass?"

"Did you know? On average, people are pretty mean."

"I think Jennifer Aniston was filmed on a green screen in 2003 and it gets released with a different background and co-star twice a year."

"Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha."

"My lighter has two settings: 1: Spark, spark, spark 2: No left eyebrow"

"50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself. Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn't unbutton it."

"Why are rapists terrible at academics? BECAUSE THEY THINK WITH THE WRONG HEAD!"

"NSFW My friend told me how much she hated sucking dick. I said I've never done it so I can't felate."