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Joke of the Day

"ME: I have so many questions SOOTHSAYER: forsooth ME: Exactly lol S: SOOTH ME: Yeah so- S: Sooth? ME: You only say sooth eh S: *nods* sooth"

"Did you hear the one about the zombie telemarketer? They say he was a dead ringer."

"The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers) Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said ""Can I have a word?"""

"If it's any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day."

"I'm dying to get one of those babies that smoke. Too cute!"

"Whats the difference between an Asian man and a box of chocolates? They'll both kill your dog, but the Asian will cook it afterwards."

"Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who tried to fuck a clock? He heard time was relative."

"Want to know the worst thing about yourself? Hang out with a kid for an hour, then ask them."

"A report found 9 out of 10 bishops write with a fountain pen. Only God knows what the other one does with it."

"My parents asked me if I wanted to watch Dumb and Dumber with them tonight.. When I went downstairs the debate was on."