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Joke of the Day

"Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time? Young player: OK I'll come back in a year's time!"

"Two guys were fighting with guns... Two guys were fighting with guns. Then one of them died laughing very heartily. Why? Because the bullet hit his armpit. (told to me by my son)"

"What do you call the accidental nuclear bombing of a furniture plant? Chairnobyl."

"PILOT: if you look out the window you'll see we're cruising at 35,000 feet [i look out the window] [THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]"

"Where do cows go when they die? Burgertory"

"What do onions and people have in common? I weep uncontrollably when I cut them."

"What was Hitler's favorite way to tie his boots? In Nazi's!"

"I'm no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you're pulling your tampons out way too fast."

"Today there was an explosion in my kitchen... I combined pasta with antipasta."

"Don't make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks."